The Coastal Post - February, 1998

A Brilliant Reverse Sting

By Kirby Ferris

I have an eerie suspicion that there is a clever genius at work in the White House. And I don't mean Bill Clinton. Perhaps James Carville has been brought in as a subcontractor.

What if this latest scandal is all a huge fake? What if Monica Lewinsky is a very bright actress who has never had sex with Bill Clinton? Lewinsky has not officially perjured herself in any way. What if she simply set up Linda Tripp and lied to her, knowing full well that her 20 hours (that's a heck of a lot of girlie locker room chit chat) of taped conversations were, indeed, being taped? What if Lewinsky and her "Director" (whoever that might be) knew full well that the tapes would end up with Kenneth Starr and that exactly what is happening would happen? It would have to go down as the most classic "dirty trick" in the history of American politics.

Clinton is playing his part perfectly. He appears to be lying and evading answering direct questions. His press secretary is pulling off a beautiful "Brer Rabbit" routine as he also hedges and wiggles around the pointed questions of the White House press corps. Folks, this may all be just a good ole Southern "please don't throw me in the briar patch" routine!

I'm writing this on only "day three" of the hubbub, but I'm willing to bet right here and now that Bill Clinton will not be impeached and he certainly won't resign. When the story first broke, I was terrifically excited. It truly appeared that the socialist from Arkansas had finally signed his own political death warrant. But I've sobered over the last day or so. I'm starting to suspect where this is actually headed. At this point all Clinton has to do is hunker down and watch Starr and the Republicans fall all over themselves as they devote time and frenetic energy attempting to prove that Clinton told Monica Lewinsky to perjure herself in a deposition hearing.

Conveniently, Ms. Lewinsky will take the Fifth Amendment under future interrogation and clam up. She will be threatened with perjury because the audio tapes of her conversations with Linda Tripp contradict her sworn testimony. But of what is she really guilty? Possible answer: Just telling one big horny tall tale to some gullible gossip monger. Doncha see? This could all be brilliant stuff that a cunning core of top Clintonistas have orchestrated from the get go.

Young Lewinsky need not fear jail. All she has to do is keep her mouth shut from now on out. She's gotta know that she's looking at a clean 10 mil for a book contract somewhere down the line. She can only be indicted and convicted of perjury if the prosecutor can prove that she was telling Linda Tripp the truth. I'll bet that every move that little gal ever made in the White House was meticulously witnessed and documented as part of the reverse sting operation. I'll bet there is not one single moment that Bill Clinton was alone with her, and, if push ever comes to shove, it will be so demonstrated.

But why? Now that is where the true genius of this reverse sting raises its head. This is psychological warfare of the most subtle kind. This is the most distracting, static-filled, noisy, news story to hit America since the Watergate affair. It's Watergate with sex! Older guy, younger woman. It's got us fixated. Men will smirk and say: "See? Just another example of the right-wingers trying to take out our wonderful Willie."

Second, all the "Clinton haters" will blink in complete disbelief as the Slickmeister wiggles out of yet another impossible jam. It will be like losing a baseball game in the bottom of the ninth with a three-run lead, two outs and the other team's final batter hits a grand slam homer. You're stunned speechless, completely demoralized. All the fight has been punched right out of you.

Okay, having dumped all this paranoid conspiracy flim flam on you, what if I'm wrong? (And I sure hope so!) Well, I'll tell you the only thing that will swing this scandal in a direction that will dump Clinton. If Monica Lewinsky was telling the truth in her conversations with Linda Tripp, she damn well has to be able to prove she was truly enlisted as an Oval Orifice. She probably cannot prove that she was pressured by Clinton to deny the dirty deeds, and thusly trigger impeachment proceedings over felonious criminality. But she can, with one unquestionable piece of evidence, prove that ole Willie did truly perform the manatee mambo on the enigmatic intern. Ms. Lewinsky will have to produce a sample of Arkansas pollywog, aka presidential semen.

So, if the whole story is on the up and up, and this babe (I mean "young woman") is as smart as I suspect she might be, I believe she has an unlaundered panty steaming in her attorney's safe at this very moment. In other words, she will have truly (pardoned the expression) "covered her ass." and then sleuthy Ken Starr can lawfully subpoena the pertinent sperm, and command Bubba Schlickschlong to come forth in a more clinical sense. This would be what is called in journalism "the smoking gun." Hello, Al Gore.

Note: This column was filed on January 23rd. Was I right?

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