The Coastal Post - September, 1995

Affirmative Action? Okay, It's My Turn!

BY ROSCOE SLAGG

I have suffered from a vile discrimination whose roots go back centuries. It is now time for meaningful compensation and social adjustments to be made for past intolerance that I, and those like me, have suffered under! I know that I've been discriminated against, while others of equal or lesser ability have been given the go ahead in life. I've watched with growing bitterness as those of a special group have forged ahead with their lives, moving through society as though society's rules had been designed especially for them. If you are not of this privileged group, you will face cruel and depressing discrimination. This group of specially treated people are what I have come to resentfully call "handsome males."

When I was in junior high school, I came to realize that I was secretly "interested in girls." It seemed to me that many of the girls were getting "interested in boys." So I confidently set out to imitate Biff, a fellow who had quite a few girls interested in him. I walked right up to Betty Sue (one of the cheerleaders) and said, Hello. She stared at me, giggled to her friends, and walked away!

After a couple of other dismal attempts, I realized that I was being discriminated against! I had: Big ears. Not cool. Crooked, slightly oversized nose. Not cool Zits. Not cool. Slightly Mick Jaggerish lips before anyone knew who Mick Jagger was. Not cool. And, the icing on the cake, braces on my teeth! Dammit, I was being judged solely by the contour of my skin (and mandibles)!

I studied the photos in my high school yearbook and came to the objective conclusion that I was only of average dweebishness. Some of my male classmates were uglier than howler monkeys. On the other hand, many of them were in my basic category of dweebishness, but were blessed with fewer zits...or straighter teeth. The actuality was that we were in the majority, but were the victims of a treacherous elitism!

Then, one day in the hall I heard a trilling female response that set my self image stuttering. A girl turned to one of her friends as a fellow with a surfer hairdo walked by. "He's soooo cuuute!" she cooed. Yep, "cute." She didn't say "rugged." (I had a rugged nose, after all.) She didn't say "prominent." (I had prominent ears.) She didn't say "unique." (Boy, my teeth were certainly that!) Nope. She said "cute." And I hadn't heard that from anybody since I was four or five (thanks, Aunt Sally). What a bummer!

Yes, folks, "looksism" is a cruel burden to bear. Given equal test scores, the handsome boy will most likely get the scholarship. Given equal qualifications, the handsome guy will most likely get the job...or the promotion. But, what really bothers me is that, given equal moral character, sense of humor, conversational skills, and love of children and animals, the handsome guy will almost always get the pretty women. It ain't fair. So it's time that we leveled the playing field and instituted affirmative action for all of us male victims of "looksism."

Let's just focus on the aspect of landing pretty women, I've had enough schooling, I make enough money (well, almost). It's time, now that I am in my late thirties, to go for the gusto! I want what those handsome guys have, dammit! I'm mad as hell and I'm going to get some affirmative action laws passed until society has come to its senses and "looksism" is a thing of the distant past!

I'm going to become the Martin Luther King of the balding, overweight, forgettable-faced male masses out there! I will stand on the stage in front of thousands and cry out: "I have a dream!" As the crowd thunders in approval, I will wave them silent and continue:

"I have a dream wherein women will spit on Robert Redford and rip their clothes off when I walk by on the sidewalk!"

"I have a dream wherein I can butt into a cocktail conversation between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kiddman, and she will ignore that petulant pretty boy and mutter unspeakably pornographic demands into my ear!"

And: "I have a dream of the day wherein I can have any beautiful woman I want without owning a Ferrari, a plantation on Maui, a Lear jet, and my own motion picture production company!"

To forward this righteous agenda against "looksism," there will be certain mandatory conditions and restriction that handsome men will have to live under until female society has been purged of its insidious discrimination against un-handsome men.

1. All handsome men will have to have haircuts like Moe in The Three Stooges or boxing promoter Don King.

2. All handsome adolescent boys will be required to eat triple helpings of greasy french fries from the time they are in junior high school.

3. All handsome men will be required to have nose jobs that triple the size of their schnozolas.

4. All cute boys will be forced to wear braces that make them buck-toothed in adulthood.

5. All handsome men will be forced to partake in medical experiments in which baboon ears are attached to their heads.

6. All blue eyes like Paul Newman's will be outlawed, and mud puddle brown contact lenses will be mandatory on handsome men.

7. All handsome men will be required to undergo surgical genital "downsizing," regardless of their present endowment.

All I'm asking for is a level playing field! We need political candidates who will carry our banner. Therefore, I'm voting for Phil Gramme and Ross Perot. We need to put an end to the incredibly slanted media and its "looksist" brainwashing. Only Pee Wee Herman clones can appear in Marlboro ads. Roger Craig is forever banned from underwear ads.

Any woman who utters the words "gorgeous," "hunk," "dreamboat," "sexy," or "cute" will be guilty of a felony. Women can only use the words "nice," "interesting," "dependable," "level-headed," and "cuddly" in reference to men.

Remember, all us physiognomically challenged guys out here are in the majority! We must register to vote and use the power of our majority rule to change the way this nation's glamorous women treat us! Life isn't fair now. But passing laws will certainly correct that, won't it?