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August, 2007



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Raging Moderate, "BOSS DICK'
By Will Durst

Alright, I have a message for the American public, and the message is this: leave Dick Cheney alone. He's not answerable to you. Get off his big white furry butt.
You are not the boss of him. Nobody is the boss of him. Dick Cheney is the boss. Of you, me, Bush. Nouri al-Maliki. Gitmo. All of us. He's Boss Dick. And the only reason you're out to get him is because when he smiles he looks like he swallowed a small black child.

And that is just prejudiced people. Doesn't matter that he's keeping this country safe. And the only two ways to do it are his way and the highway. Well, actually, under the highway. Sometimes as part of the highway. Mixed in with the rebar.

Face it: he's better than you. And if you had half a brain in your head, you'd get down on your bony knees, kiss his feet and thank God he's doing us the huge ginormous favor of running this country instead of letting Dyslexic Boy screw things up worse than a dumpster full of coat hangers made out of copper barbed wire. As for breaking the law, you could not empanel a jury that would find Dick Cheney guilty. Of anything. Because he has no peers. I'm not saying Dick Cheney is above the law. I'm saying Dick Cheney is the law and the least we can do is leave him and his buddies at Halliburton alone to do what they're good at. Making money and burying bodies.

So he's not part of the executive branch of the government. So what? Hey, he doesn't want to belong to the executive branch of the government, he shouldn't have to belong to the executive branch of the government. You've seen the executive branch of our government; would you want to belong to it? It's less effective than spitting tobacco juice at the moon from a skateboard on ice. I got your checks and balances right here. Well, right there, under Dick Cheney's foot, holding hands with individual liberties, writhing in their death throes.

If Dick Cheney wants to be his own branch of government, he's his own branch of government. What's wrong with that? It's his government. So we got an extra branch now. Four is better than three, right?

And the vice president should be able to call it whatever he wants to. The Cheneystative branch. Who's going to tell him he can't? You? Yeah, you and what Army? The Supreme Court? Ha. Don't make me laugh.

And get those Congressmen to stop bothering Dick Cheney with those silly subpoenas, for crum's sake. He doesn't have to tell you who he's meeting with. You seriously do not want to know who he's meeting with.

Or what they're planning. Or where they're planning on doing it. You'll find out soon enough. Can't you get it through your tiny little heads? If he wanted us to know, he'd tell us. He doesn't want to talk to you or Henry Waxman or Angelina Jolie. He doesn't want to talk to anybody. Why do you think he's always at an undisclosed location?

You want to know the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. We need his lies. We cherish his lies. Because his lies are comforting; they allow us to believe what we want to believe. Not to mention being essential to a covert operation. And this whole administration is one big covert operation. And there's no real need for anyone to know what's going on. And that includes me and you and especially George W., who doesn't want to be part of the executive branch of our government either.

Comic, writer, actor, former radio talk show host and mall janitor, Will Durst, knows he doesn't even know how much he doesn't know.

Copyright (c)2007 Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. See for additional information. Catch Durst performing previews of his one-man show, "All- American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing," at the Climate Theater in San Francisco July 19-21 & 26-28. And then in New York at the New World Stages (340 West 50th Street) for an ope-ended engagement beginning Monday, August 6. Or listen to his twice weekly commentaries And check out iTunes audiobooks for his new CD: "Ring Toss for Aliens," for a limited time- only $4.95. E-mail Will at [email protected]

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