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August, 2006


Moo Town News
The Futuristic World of West Marin
By Judy Borello

Since Robert Plodkin took over the Pt. Reyes Light, I have been paying great attention to the editorials and the news reported by the interns who come from all points across the USofA. Printing fancy words doesn't cut it , it is the topics and slants that concerns me.
When Robert Plodkin paid a visit to the Old Western Saloon a few weeks ago he made the statement, "I'm going to revolutionize West Marin."

Some of the locals laughed, some snickered and most felt "we like the place the way it is!" In fact, I personally liked West Marin 30 years ago. That's when I reveled in the spirit of the people and the freedom of expression with no "political correctness" and the sheriffs were our friends.

The sheriffs that come to mind that were great with the community were Chuck Prandi, who later became head sheriff of the county, Russ Hunt, Skip Richardson, Norm Shuster, Larry with the cowboy hat, Joe from Nicasio, etc. and you can tell I forgot their last names. I'm having a senior hour!

Excuse me for digressing but this is a spoof taking some of the Pt. Reyes Light's points and sticking them into the future in an exaggerated way.

When the Light praised the red-hot sheriff who guns for drunks and says the Light "is calling on the California Legislature to lower the permissible blood alcohol level to .06, I could see the Plodkin revolution was on. In 2010, the Cigarette Police were not only arresting people who smoked publicly, but were smashing down doors and arresting people in their own homes...

Pot was OK. Since half West Marin smoked marijuana they figured they couldn't build a big enough jail to house all the "fatty" cats, even though the Feds make it illegal, and regular cigarettes were still sold legally.

Just maybe the sheriffs would get a "contact high" when they broke into a house and didn't give a damn!

The first count for smoking a regular cigarette was $1,000, the second was having your children taken away, and the third would result in you're being taken to a concentration camp called "Nicotine Alley" and there you'd abide with fellow smokers for the rest of your life.

You'd think that the cigarette police would allow smoking in the camp cause maybe they'd kill each other off by second hand smoke and save a lot of money in feeding them, but no common sense prevailed as in NO CIGAR!

In 2012 (you notice I skipped 2011, being it is an odd number year I dedicated it to we oddballs), the "Mmmm, mmmm good booze" (Jackie Gleason style) police who had all become red-hots along with the "Pt. Reyes Blight," or as someone called it, the Pt. Reyes Inquirer got the blood-alcohol level down to .02. Even though liquor was still legal, the saloons closed and you'd be followed out of the grocery store by a red-hot booze cop and immediately arrested because how would he know you wouldn't exceed the legal limit.

The first offense was a $25,000 fine and confiscation of your car.

The second offense was your home confiscated and a $50,000 fine; and if you were lucky enough not to own a home, they cut off your right hand.

The third offense and you'd go to a concentration camp called Alcoholics Erroneous and there you Erroneous spend your days rolling a peanut on the ground with a toothbrush (one of the punishments I had placed on me at Most Holy Redemption Grammar School by those clever Nuns who caught me throwing Al Giacomini's shoe around the Gianquinto Classroom. Oh those San Francisco days! Sister Mary Amellia told me if I couldn't push the peanut fifty times across the schoolyard with a toothbrush, I'd be doing it with my nose. Love those Nuns! They were character builders!

In 2014, no more "Trophy" or "McMansion" homes. They passed a law that you couldn't build over a 600 sq. ft. home even though you owned your own land, you land-use rights were severely taken away.

This wasn't the worst. It got even uglier. The "Taste Police" came around and tore down any house over 600 sq. ft. and sent the materials to be recycled! Oh these good ole' Taste Police always doing something for the environment.

Well needless to say in 2015, the oddballs left. The Invernessians, the Bo-Bo Landers, the Pt. Reyesins, the Marshalites and the Hot Tomalleys were all gone. Being non-conformists they were all in Camp Booze-o-dent or in "Nicotine Alley." Who was left? Pot smokers in tents and Robert Plodkin.

PS: Thank you Don Deane for the Free Press.

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