By Frank Scott
Iran and North Korea
agreed to destroy all their nuclear weapons, but only after the United States and Israel do the same. The US
accused them of using hate speech that threatened the foundation of our system:
the double standard. Kim Il Sung accused the US of having "incredible chutzpah." Israel accused Kim of being an anti-Semite.
Alan Greenspan said pessimism was bad for markets, but optimism could also be detrimental. Greenspan warned people to drive with pessimistic care in late afternoon, as it would soon become dark, but he advised optimism later, since light would return as the sun rose. Democrats and the media praised his incredible ability to analyze and forecast market conditions, and other aspects of life. A researcher at Website University says detailed photo and film analysis of the 911 disaster reveals that, contrary to earlier beliefs, the planes did not crash into the buildings. After thousands of hours of watching extreme slow motion replays, he could see that the buildings actually bent slightly, leaning into the flight path of the planes.
A former Yale classmate of the president claimed "recovered memory" of a homosexual experience they shared, while showering after an arduous bowling class. When he heard the president say "bring it on," he remembered that those were his words during their wet and wild college coupling. Alan Dershowitz and Johnny Cochran offered to represent him in court, but he hoped for an out-of-court settlement in which the president would also recover that memory, and marry him.
In a related story, the Ambulance Chasers Caucus of the American Bar Association endorsed same sex marriage, as well as marriage between people and their pets, autos or furniture. They explained that "marriage is the backbone of divorce, and divorce is the spinal column of litigation." Chiropractors threatened to sue for anatomic abuse, and linguists threatened to sue for language abuse. The Bar had no comment on marriage, but strongly supported the lawsuits.
The prestigious polling firm of Caprice & Whimsy reports that re-analysis of 2004 exit polls show that Ralph Nader would have been president, if the Democrats had allowed him on all ballots, and if the people of Iraq, Palestine, Florida and Ohio had all been eligible to vote.
The administration presented its program to end childhood poverty, based on lifelong sexual abstinence for the poor. This will guarantee the end of childhood poverty, since poor people will no longer have any children. The program is called "No Child's Behind Left."
A religious coalition of gays and lesbians announced their support for a ballot measure to make pig-Latin our national language, since In pig-Latin, god is pronounced "odd-gay".
An agnostic scholar shocked the scriptural community by claiming that the ten commandments were actually written by Moses, not god, and that they were part of his stand up comedy routine. "He meant them for laughs; he was the original Henny Youngman." The scholar has long been skeptical about the seriousness of old testament teachings since observing worshippers at the wailing wall in Jerusalem. "I realized they weren't rocking in prayer, they were rocking with laughter, repeating what sounded like an order in a Chinese restaurant. They kept saying 'such dumb goy." The agnostic has previously claimed that Mary wasn't really a virgin, God really didn't make little green apples, and that Jesus wasn't Jewish. "He was circumcised, but he never had a Bar Mitzvah." Asked for comment, the president said, " But then, who made little green apples?
Charges that Mother Theresa had fondled adolescent boys were thrown out of court by an angry judge. "She fondled the poor, military dictators, pizza delivery boys, anybody who came to see her. She was a fondler for all people, for chrisakes." Hollywood resumed its plan to film her life story, but has not yet decided whether the title role should go to Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie or Jeremy Irons.
The administration moved closer to the "ownership society" by announcing that all people without shelter would soon own mobile homes. Shopping carts will be given to homeless people who can prove they have been on the street for at least two years. This acquisition will give them a stake in personal ownership, and strengthen the economy when they buy furnishings. Home Depot stock skyrocketed and Democrats and Tony Blair commended the administration for this visionary program to strengthen individuality and market values.
The Anti Defamation League has dropped its suit accusing Robert Frost of anti-Semitism for a poem which included the words;
"Before I built a wall I'd ask to know what I was walling in or walling out...
Something there is that doesn't love a wall, that wants it down."
Lawyers convinced them that since it was written in 1915, he couldn't have anticipated Israel's formation in 1948, let alone the building of its apartheid wall more than fifty years later.
The country was spared another shocking wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl, but only by the split second reaction of a technician. He observed a camera angle revealing a coach's open fly and quickly switched to film of devastated Baghdad, before audience sensibilities could be shaken. "After 911 and then that nipple exposure , I didn't think the nation could survive a full frontal view of a penis, especially at the Super Bowl. We've suffered enough." The technician has been nominated for a Nobel peace prize.
Graduate students at Bloggers University have painstakingly re-examined poll results since 1935, weather patterns since 1940, dietary and sun spot affects on mental stability, and the impact of economic policy on sexual relations, and concluded that not only did Bush really lose the last election, but that the Yankees actually won the World Series, and Japan was victorious in the second world war. Really. The United Nations accused Americans of being a nation of April Fools, but congress assured them that we are fools all the time.