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April, 2003

Harry Pothead In The Looney Bin
By Stephen Simac

When Bill O'Reilly of Fox News told Americans to Just Shut Up! and Support Our Soldiers, I listened. There was nothing to say anyway. I'd been watching his bombastic show because of Fox's motto, "We Lie, You Decide." It seemed more honest than CNN.

Jesuit trained "Bull" O'Reilly makes no pretense at actually debating the points of an argument or being respectful to his guests.

It was too depressing to say anything with all those bombs bursting in air and newscasters drooling over the "spectacular, precision guided" show. What was there to say to Republican "Bomb" DeLay when he told Democrats to "Ferme la Bouche!" Most Americans thought it was an "old Texas saying" meaning "Iraqi's On the Barbecue" instead of French for "Just Shut Up!" The pro-War's motto. I guess I'm a pinko liberal in some ways. I'm for babies getting their first teeth and learning to crawl, not for blowing them into pieces.

I'm a dyed in the wool conservative in others. I Support our Soldiers by wanting to keep them from being killed or sickened over there. To Stop them from becoming war criminal extras in "Bush's Insane Foreign Adventure." I was so depressed about the War that I took Harry Pothead's collect phone call. I told him I wasn't going to buy anything this time. Harry sounded subdued. "Hey, man, don't worry I'm not selling anything. They got me locked up in the Mental Health Unit. All because I went a little overboard in the whole new Republican thing."

"I probably shouldn't have gone to the regional pro-War rally," he admitted. " I had spring fever bad, just had to get out of the trailer. The telemarketing gig with Zionists for Armageddon folded suddenly and I was temporarily unemployed. I painted my Hummer red, white and blue and drove it down to western Taxachusetts for the pro War rally. It was a parade for red blooded Americans to show their Pride and Power in creating Shock and Awe around the globe and especially in Baghdad. It was advertised on all the Clear Channel Talk Radio shows in New Hampster in between the Vinyl Siding and Make Money with Your Own Snow Plow ads."

Harry sounded calmer than the last time he called me, more stable, somehow. I knew he had gone off his medical marijuana then. Ever since his wizard training, unless he was constantly stoned he became manic. Now he just sounded heavily sedated. He could still talk though. "I guess our military's early successes had amped me way up. It could have been cabin fever and the recent warming trend. I was dressed for the occasion wearing a star spangled serape, neatly slit and stitched with nothing else on but an Uncle Sam Hat with a 'Whak Iraq' button. I'd put a sign on one side of the Hummer saying 'Jesus wears Red, White and Blue.' and an 'It's Our Oil, Now' sign on the other."

Harry Pothead sighed. I could hear a laughtrack from a TV show in the background "Even the local fire department and some police cruisers were in the parade. That might be what got me drunk with power. I noticed a Volvo with a 'Peace Now' bumper sticker. You sit way up high in those Hummers, it's a powerful feeling. Maybe I was thinking a little violence and the major media will notice us. I'm not sure, my thinking was confused at the time."

"I'm not making excuses, because I do remember choosing to turn the steering wheel and drive over the top of that Volvo. They aren't as safe as the Swedes claim. Luckily there was no one inside of it."

"Anyways the police stopped me before I'd gone on too much of a Pro War rampage. Did you know pepper spray will get rid of a cold just like that?" Harry snapped his fingers next to the phone. "They brought me to the Emergency Room where a crisis clinician gave me a mental health exam in the Secure Room. That's how I ended upstairs."

"It's not bad though, they've got ping pong. I've been winning packs of cigarettes off these crazy suckers and selling them back. I'm going to need the cash, cuz I don't have health insurance and this place is expensive. Except for the drugs they've got me on. They're experimental. I agreed because they said they have Viagra like side effects. It's hell on my ping pong game, but there's plenty of depressed women here, so it draws a crowd. "

I was a little stunned. Maybe I'd missed something by not watching CNN. I'd have to check it out on the internet. "Well Harry, as long as you're doing better now. Maybe you can get Free Care. Which psych ward are you in? What kind of therapy are you doing? Are you still a Bush Republican?"

Harry laughed lightly, "No I realize now, I'd become a victim of a Satanic BabyKiller Cult. I'm a survivor of ritual abuse by mind control experts. The Bushies lured me in with simple answers to complex questions and made me feel like I belonged to something bigger than myself. I thought we were fighting for Freedom, Liberty and Abundant Oil. Now I realize I was just part of their plan for World Domination. Gotta go, it's my turn at the ping pong table."

 

 

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