Coastal Post Online


December, 2002

Harry Pothead Becomes a Republican
By Stephen Simac

I wasn't surprised that it was a telemarketer when I answered the phone, I was eating dinner. I was surprised to hear Harry Pothead's voice. I hadn't seen him since I'd hung out with him and Professor Nostrildamus, the estimated prophet last winter in Florida. The last I heard he'd headed back to New England.

The first thing he told me was that he was working as a "teleprospector" not a telemarketer with Zionists for Armageddon. I've got a database of Christian Zionists and the Israel firsters. Don't worry, you're not on it. I've sold a lot of prospects in my day over the phone, but these blokes really cough up the cash. All I have to mention is our Nukes First legislation and they start drooling dough." I was hesitant to criticize the wizard of weed because he was so volatile. So I said, "Doesn't it violate your sense of ethics since you were a hemp and save the environment kinda guy for so long?"

The Road To Damascus

"Listen in telemarketing, prospecting, whatever-ethics is the first thing to go. So it's a perfect match with the people I'm calling. Anyways I've seen the light, found the Lord and got a gun. I'm working on commission and cleaning up. I've become a Republican. I left Taxachusetts, and moved to New Hampshire. It's a no income tax, no sales tax, no zoning-live free or die freezing kind of a state. I've saved so much that I bought a new Hummer and an assault rifle. That's the only way you can compete with the moose around here.

I'm an elephant convert, no more braying like an ass about taking from the rich and giving to the poor. The poor will always be with us, it's far better to give to the politically powerful if you want any kind of return on your dollars.

I started out a Dem voting for Nader in protest and liked the results. Even as a Hempster, I was always a Bring Down Babylon Mon. And that's just what invading Iraq will do. I've been pissed at those guys ever since Summer and that whole ziggurat thing."

Long Strange Trip

I didn't want to go there, it always led to the Reptilian Aliens controlling humans through the millennia. Harry might be happy or just bipolar, but personally I am concerned that Bush is intent on starting WWIII. Even wondering whether there was a difference between Gore and Bush, after all. So I replied a little heatedly to Harry's new found Republican hubris. "Do you really think Saddam has Weapons of Mass Destruction and was involved with 9/11? Why should we possibly kill a million Iraqis by bombing their cities to radioactive rubble, to get rid of one Guy? What happened to the War on Terrorism and the Where's Osama game?

Saddam is just another Bad Leader who our CIA helped bring to power, like Osama and Noriega, the bad guy before Saddam's last turn. Reagan and Poppy Bush supported the Butcher of Baghdad in poison gassing Iranians and his own people for a decade. Suddenly he was Hitler Incarnate for killing Kuwaiti babies and claiming their capitol for his southern exposure. Hussein tried to kill his business partner Poppy Bush, and now his son Georgie holds a grudge. But it was all about oil then, and it's about oil now. Also about protecting Israel and enormously increased military spending which are pretty much the same thing."

Friend Of The Devil

Harry hurriedly went into his marketing spiel, either his boss was listening or he had really sold out. "Sir, this will be a short and sweet war and it will scare the shit out of Muslim radical ragheads in the neighborhood. They'll bow to the New, New World Order when we show them overwhelming firepower. At the same time we'll drive those pesky Palestinians across the river Jordan and maybe right to the Euphrates. Israel will be safe for another millennium while Christ and Moses frolic together in the Holy Land. Zionists for Armageddon has the lock on this. Take advantage now of our basic subscription rate, which includes your ticket to Paradise after Armageddon. When Yhwh separates the sheep from the goats, you'll need this or you'll really get fleeced by the scalpers with the Other Ones. But those Mohammedan, pagan, Buddhist, pinko kind are not on our list, because they are doomed to burn in a fiery pit. Zionists for Armageddon just wants to give them an early start."

I was horrified, "Harry what's happened to you? You sound like you've been brainwashed. Mohammed was no more a terrorist than Moses was. Muslims are following an ancient religion based on the same desert god as Christians and Jews and its time for them all to get over it. It's un-American to promote one religion over the other and there's a reason why. It's called the First Amendment."

"Zionists for Armageddon believes that the First one got too highly placed by those Founding Commie Democratic Fathers who came up with the Bill of Rights. It's the Second which shall be First in the New World Order." Harry chortled, "It was better than Prozac for us far right Republicans the morning after the elections. I don't have too many of these tickets to Paradise left Sir, they're a limited edition." I was stunned by this development, I knew he'd been in a crisis but this was too drastic. I suspected he'd gone off his meds.

Saint Stephen

I'm no longer a card holding Democrat although I was raised that way by my Irish mother and my union father. I was still disappointed by the complete collapse of the Democrats. At the very least I had hoped they'd be able to hold onto the Senate to act as a bloated anchor dragging behind the aircraft carrier of the Bush ship of state.

It seems like a complete rout with the Democrats election of Nancy Pelosi for their leader and the selection of Boston for their national convention in '04. If the Dems are going back to their liberal roots, someone should warn them the Repugs have plenty of left over Roundup from the war on drugs in Columbia. Let's hope it wasn't just because Pelosi raised the most cash. The Dems are going to need more than money to get back in the ring. They will need a spine or two.

I wouldn't consider myself a Democrat, a Republican or Zionist either. I don't place much hope in third parties either. It's hard to even believe in unsafe sex. But it was nice to have Harry Pothead calling me sir.

So I bought two tickets to Paradise. He sold me when he offered the pre-authorized credit card and only pay interest 'til Armageddon plan.


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