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February 2002

The Ever Expanding War On Terrorism

"During the early times of the 2000's, a journalist named Carol Sterritt had the opportunity to make known the crimes of the Bush administration: the setting aside of Civil Rights, by John Ashcroft; the gutting of the Americans with Disabilities Act by the Supreme Court; the destruction of the Freedom of Information Act, by John Ashcroft; the pilfering of the Social Security Fund, by the Rich. Instead, like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, this irresponsible journalist chose to write humor pieces. What was she thinking?" Ken Burns Jr. in his documentary piece "The Coastal Post," circa 2046.

Helsinki, Finland, 2003. Today, while on his first tour of Scandinavian countries, Acting President Cheney addressed the nation to announce the findings of air reconnaissance satellite's film footage over Finland. "Fellow Americans, the images are unmistakable. Using high-resolution infrared satellite photography, experts can clearly make out the initials, "OBL", for Osama bin Laden. These initials are etched out in the snowy peaks of the Korvatunturi. There is only one move that a great country like ours can make after such a discovery: that of the complete annihilation of the country of Finland."

As the news media peppered the Acting President with questions, the Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfield, took to the podium in the President's defense. "We have listened to similar questionings and arguments before. When we initially bombarded Afghanistan in the fall of 2001, there was an outcry concerning the idea that many innocent third world people would suffer as the result. Over the next two and a half years, The US and its coalition has bravely bombarded over 57 nations of the world. We have exhausted the supply of third world nations. It is now the turn of civilized countries to take their share of America's War Against Terrorism and quit whining over it."

Muslim experts attempted to explain that the initials now thought to be those of feared terrorist bin Laden, probably were not. In his native dialect, his first name is pronounced "Usama", with a "U". Therefore, "OBL" as initials indicate little, and are probably in fact, nothing more than coincidental snow patterns, with reflections of shadows.

Furthermore, a young child in the audience, a girl referred to simply as "Virginia" by the press, tearfully asked Mr. Rumsfield if he was aware of the fact that Korvatunturi is the hilly homeside of none other than Santa Claus. Mr. Rumsfield, having never previously heard of Mr. Claus, began a heated exchange with the child, demanding proof of "this man Claus' existence." When "Virginia" produced a picture of her beloved Santa, complete with long White Beard and all, Rumsfield immediately grabbed the poster-sized picture from the girl's hands, exclaiming, "Look at him. He fits the profile. He exhibits all the features of the most diabolical associates of bin Laden."

Next Mr. Rumsfield queried the child as to her own involvement with "Mr. Claus." Virginia answered that one night a year she left milk and cookies out for him while she waited for him to bring "presents" to her by using her chimney as the mail drop. Rumsfield immediately turned to the girl's parents. "It now sounds as if your offspring was providing actual aid and comfort to the enemy. As soon as we know more, for instance, whose actual monies were used to purchase said cookies and milk, we will have a better idea if it is only your daughter, or perhaps your entire household, that will need to be incarcerated." Equipped with this "confession," Rumsfield indicated to his aides that this girl should be taken off for further questioning before her military tribunal.

After this press conference, massive numbers of Finnish protesters began to gather at various places, including the Kristenstaad Pretzel Factory outside Tampere. All across Finland, various students' groups and underground Revolutionary Action Coalitions were joined by farmers' cooperatives. "Although we Finns share the love of freedom with our neighbors across the sea, American policy has never been so unpopular," said one farmer, Karl Eric.

"This dislike of American policy began in the spring of 2002, when the United States decreed that nations across the world cease and desist from making pretzels. And after it was finally determined that it was not so much pretzels that were a danger to the United States President, George W. Bush, but an overdependence on beer and vodka, then the US began its demands that even beer and hard liquor be prohibited." At this point, the farmer gave this reporter a rude snort. "We don't quite understand why we have to give up the good life because George W. got so easily hammered on what were once legal goods..."

This type of reaction prompted a massive diplomatic effort from the United States. "We fail to see why the Finnish people will not humor us in our continued effort to find terrorists. And we find it deplorable for the Finnish people to complain about a ban on pretzels, at a time when our beloved former President George W Bush has so tragically been listed as a missing person," said Secretary of State Colin Powell.

Back in the States, a $25 million dollar reward for finding the heroic yet missing Commander-in-Chief was in effect. The official story making the rounds was this simple tale: George W. had last been seen criss-crossing his ranch in one of his favorite Jeeps. A helicopter had landed nearby, and it appeared that George W. and an individual from the copter talked in plain view of his Secret Service agents. A few moments later, and all had vanished: George W., the Secret Service agents and the copter itself. Only the faithful "Spot" (the presidential dog,) was left behind.

Critics of the Administration pooh-pooh this story. "We know for a fact that Robert Downey Jr. spoke with President Bush inside the Betty Ford Treatment Center just last week. Although it may be embarrassing for Administration Officials to admit his whereabouts, it is utter nonsense that George W. Bush is missing." Another critic offered this viewpoint: "The whole thrust of fighting terrorism in a civilized nation such as Finland leads one to believe that this latest chapter of "America Strikes Back" is merely a "Wag the Dog" scenario." Noam Chomsky also joined in the fray: "Recent polls indicate that most Americans are just as terrified of former executives from Enron as from newly (and randomly) accused would-be chimney trespassers."

But to counter these types of accusations, late today the FBI released an index detailing the names of children and families, with their addresses as well, who are known to leave out milk and cookies for the now "Wanted Dead or Alive" terrorist, one S. Claus. As Rumsfield concluded in an evening talk with Dan Rather, America's war on terrorism will have to expand much faster and further than anyone had previously considered.

"It sounds as though the terrorists have made a deliberate and sinister hold on the hearts of even the youngest of the world's citizens. In our efforts to achieve Homeland security, there can be no choice on our part other than to rid ourselves of this new class of would-be terrorists as soon as possible." Rumsfield cut short Rather's efforts to debate the issue. "With God on our side, I am sure we will prevail," answered Rumsfield. "God bless America!"

 

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