Coastal Post Online

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March 2001

Use This Paper To Pick Up Your Dogshit, Please

By Stephen Simac

If the only thing you do with the Coastal post is pick up dogshit with it, you will still be doing a public service. If you actually read it you're doing double duty. The contents are guaranteed to contribute to your education as a citizen. It doesn't even cost a nickel. Please send a dollar.

The CP is priceless, providing different points of view for your perusal while you sit and wait. You don't have to like it or agree with any of it. But, if you only use this paper to pick up yours or some other dog's crap, you've still done an enormous public service with your use of the CPTP. Many people love their dogs like children, but think nothing of letting it squat in a neighbor's yard, on the sidewalk, or right off the edge of the road. Looking the other way as if it didn't stink, never stoop to scoop. No doggie diapers for these kids.

Why is it a dog always poops right where it's most likely to end up on the bottom of someone's shoe, squishing into all the hard to clean little crevices of the tread?

Human feces are no present, but dog excrement is truly foul. People love their dogs better than their friends, but still feed it stuff that is "unfit for human consumption." That might include mad cow disease, for sure hookworm, ringworm and a few dozen parasites are commonly found in dogshit. Few human children ever grow up without a horrendous case of hookworm. Surfers are in a virtual stew of toxic turds at some beaches.

Canine ca-ca is one of the main polluters of inland waterways, storm runoff and coastal surf, but could easily be diverted right at the source. When your dog squats, train him to read the Coastal Post, or at least the headlines. Then wrap it up and dump it in a garbage can.

If you let your dog run off leash then pick up every other doggypile you see to make up for all the ones you miss. It's your dog, doesn't just stop at the asshole.

While you're at it, train it to know where your property lines are and not to bark unless there's really some threat to your property. It if it howls all day while you're not home, or all night while your TV's on maybe you shouldn't own a dog. If your dog runs out at every person walking or bicycling down the street, barking and snarling, don't just call out lazily "Don't worry he won't bite". Chase him down and whup him good. If you have to bite its throat that's fine, just discipline your dog.

Dog lovers are irrational and tend to blame the victim when their dog bites someone, pheromones or whatever. Those lawyers in the city with the Canary Killer Dogs are the most clueless example of irresponsible dog owners. A million Americans report getting bitten by a dog every year, an estimated 5 or 10 million; mostly human children are bitten yearly in this country with seventy million dogs.

"A few bad dogs" dog lovers say, but very few dog owners' train their "child" to be well behaved and also pick up after them. As far as common courtesy goes, teach your "child" not to stick its nose up every human stranger's butt or in his or her crotch. To get out of their way on a sidewalk, not sexually harass them.

Americans let dog owners slide because they're so emotionally attached to their critters and so damn angry when held responsible for their pet's bad behavior. The dog is only acting out the owner's subconscious and can't be held accountable for its owner's id.

Nobody likes being jumped up on and pawed, even if the dog is friendly, especially if he's large or muddy, but we can't just clobber Fido, you'll get upset. Not everyone likes having strange dogs approach them, especially if they've ever been bitten, most Americans, but we can't chuck a rock or poke them with a sharp stick, you'd have a fit. Instead we have to smile while it sniffs our crotch, pray it's not offended by our pheromones and bites us in the ass, while you cheerily call out, "don't worry." Maybe I want to poke my nose in your crotch, or paw you too, but I don't. It's not polite.

It's your dog, do what's right. Professionals could train them for you to become a well-behaved animal, probably easier than therapists could help you.

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