Harry Pothead And the Blue Crystal
By Stephen Simac
I was reading the news about the War on Terrorists. There is an endless parade of Americans riding on the administration's bandwagon, jeering anyone on the sidelines as unpatriotic. Bill Bennett, chain smoking drug moralizer, Lynn Cheney, erotic novelist and wife of vice president in hiding, Paul Wolfowitz, not in sheep's clothing, even Chelsea Clinton at Oxford were on the wagon. Columnists, spokespeople, and letter to editor writers have been calling anyone who would rather have justice than vengeance treasonous. They were depressing me.
Mainly because I wasn't getting any death threats. Only calls from long distance companies offering me deals to switch. That's why I was happy to get a phone call from Harry Pothead, even if it was 1-800-COLLECT.
"Is this phone secure?" He was using some device to make him sound like Ellie Mae Clampett. Since I'm not a foreign national I supposed my line was secure. Although not for much longer since I hadn't paid the bill.
Harry turned the cloaking device down a notch and now he sounded like Granny. "That damn Harry Potter movie is pissing me off. They plagiarized my life to sell soda and indoctrinate children into the occult and I don't even get a cut.
I was the real teenage wizard, lured away from my family to the Fogwart School of Magik. I was brilliant then, could have been a contender to fight the Evil Ones with The Force of Good, but I wasted my future on Sex, Drugs and RocknRoll. Or maybe it was The Blue Crystal."
Who's Watching You?
I wasn't sure what that was and didn't want to ask. I thought it might set Carnivore or Echelon off because I'd read that Blue Crystal was the code name for the "biggest intelligence contract for almost 50 years" in Eye Spy! The National Reconnaissance Office, the NRO is allegedly spending about $20 billion on Boeing spy satellites that can take extremely detailed photos day or night, even through clouds.
I figured Harry's Blue Crystal was some kind of new drug or occult icon like the Ark of the Covenant. Harry didn't care, he was talking from a pay phone, "I'm thinking of putting a toad hex on the satanic bastards at AOL/TimeWarner and Pepsi, but can't remember it because of The Blue Crystal. It's causes early Alzheimer's but I still wish I had more. My spell books are still packed in boxes from this trip to New England. I haven't had time for hexing what with stacking firewood and all."
I was worried about him, he sounded more depressed than me. We'd been close ever since he turned me into a toad. It's hard to explain except with psychedelic sweat.
"This war is bumming me out." Harry said. "It's like everyone wants to start WWIII, even nuke the planet to squash a few terrorists. America's like the giant who pokes his eyes out trying to catch a fly with chopsticks."
Talking about catching flies made me nervous, my tongue was still sore from the toad thing. I tried to cheer him up by pointing out how well the War was Working. Look how tidy our bombing of the Taliban was, minus a few mosques and babies.
The Anthrax thing was another matter, and I had given up opening my mail. Which could explain the unpaid bills.
Now his voice sounded more like tricky Dick, " The war is working great at using up old bombs before they lose their shelf life, eliminating our civil rights and installing a one world government. It's all a plot by the Illuminati, possibly the Vatican, conceivably the Zionists, who funded the Communists, or as Eisenhower warned, beware the Military Industrial Complex, which armed the Muslims. Behind them all are the Reptilian Evil Ones who control them secretly from another dimension."
That about covered conspiracy theories, but this was costing me. Because he'd forgotten his toad hex, I was emboldened to ask him for evidence.
"Okay, Mr. Journalist" he sneered sounding like Columbo, this was definitely a vintage voice disguiser. "Even the New York Times official storyline has changed so frequently that any conspiracy theory, and there are dozens more, makes as much sense.
What about the horrendous lapse of intelligence from the various agencies that suck out of a $30-50 billion black budget. Logically 911 would have been an emergency call to make heads roll from high places in those agencies, instead Congress almost unanimously rewards them with increased budgets and powers.
It was a huge fuckup to allow these terrorists to enter and exit the country freely, train to fly planes, not take off or land them, fly around the country doing trial runs, videotaping crew routines, even sitting in the cockpits and buying tickets with cash. If they'd been drug dealers they'd have been arrested and their cash seized for sure.
Blame it on turf wars that FBI agents were too busy posing as horny 14 year old girls on the internet to relay the names of hijackers on their terrorist list to the airlines or Customs. They had reliable warnings that this was being planned, but ignored them and squashed investigations that could have stopped it. Now they seem to think their duty is to play Chicken Little. In spite of their screwup, they get a big chunk of what they've always wanted, total control of brainwashed citizens."
I quoted from the many patriots condemning dissent from the president's War on Terrorists. "You want to just throw flowers at these Muslim murderers after we've been viciously attacked as a nation by cowardly evil ones who hate us for our Freedom. At least President Bush is doing something about that excuse, even though there's no excuse for terrorism".
Like most baby boomers, I have mixed feelings about sending other people's teenagers off to war. I mean who else is going to pay for our social security checks?
"Just shut and listen pinhead, those who exchange their freedom for security deserve nor receive either, to paraphrase Ben Franklin. Osama bin Laden's clan are old friends of the Bush family. The oldest brother died in a plane crash over Texas, checking out their clan's investment in the Bush's first oil company Arbusto. George made his first million with that company even though it never pumped a drop of oil.
You could call this a blood feud, Osama knows the plane was rigged just like the one his father was killed in. Papa Bush was the master of betrayal of his partners in crime. Noriega and Saddam Hussein, once bosom buddies got turned into the Evil Ones of his presidency. Like father, like son now it's Osama's turn.
America abandoned the mujahideen in Afghanistan to their own vices once they drove out the Russians and supported the Taliban to drive them out in turn. Until Sept. 11 the Taliban got the majority of their funding, food and arms from the US and Pakistan. Bushie just gave them $48 million in June because they eradicated heroin poppies. That's the real reason they had to go, interfering with the global drug trade, which the Bush family have been in since the China Opium trade."
I interrupted, "Well Pakistan is our ally now, they've repented or something, anyways, they're the good Muslims, like Turkey and Tajikstan." I knew that much from TV.
"Speaking of Pakistan, the India Times reported that the Pakistan Intelligence agency, the ISI sent $100, 000 to the states last summer for Mohammed Atta, the hijack ringleader. Of course India would like to nuke the Pakis if they weren't downwind of them, yet the head of the ISI resigned immediately. Apparently the Hindus had documents.
The FBI was investigating the president of Tajikstan and his Swiss Bank Account with $85 million from oil company bribes. They were threatening to bring down ExxonMobil, Chase Manhattan, even Allan Greenspan. Conveniently the case files were in the FBI office on the 25th floor of the north Tower, now buried in the rubble.
Official Investigations = Lone Nuts
Previously planted bombs on that floor and others helped cause the towers implosion, not Flight 11 hitting the 80th floor. Firefighters and witnesses who escaped heard explosions and found the floor in shambles but not the in between floors. Why did FEMA arrive in NYC the night before 9/11? They appointed the same FEMA guy who investigated the OKC Bombing to do the TwinTowers collapse. Mysterious that Tim McVeigh's truck bomb, with the equivalent explosive power of 60 gallons of jet fuel could do that much damage in Oklahoma City. All the witnesses who saw other suspects and even uniformed agents strapping curious packages to interior walls the week before never made the final cut on that investigation."
I scoffed, "Next you'll be saying Heidi Klum was involved."
"Of course supermodels and Hollywood stars are used to herd the masses into mind corrals by the reptilians. What about the profits that insider traders made from short selling puts on American and United airlines and insurance company stock. Their money hasn't been collected yet or accounts frozen. They were either in on the planning or knew of it and decided to profit instead of warning America. Their blood money is sitting in an account in Deutsche Bank. Maybe it was Nazis, the ones the CIA didn't bring over to America in project PaperClip have been hiding out in secret underground bases with the Grays and the Nordic Aliens."
Now his voice switched to Max Smart of Get Smart! "Speaking of warnings, watch the 1996 movie Executive Action, by the WARNer Brothers. It's a training film for middle east terrorists who hijack a jet to fly it into the Pentagon, with helpful clues on how to do it properly. It was probably the favorite video of the 9/11 hijackers when they weren't watching World Wrestling Federation.
These hijackers were pitiful pilots according to their flight school trainers. They didn't need to be skilled pilots because it was done by Operation HomeRun. That's the built in computer ovverride of commercial flight controls by Boeing, the number one contractor in unpiloted computer guided jets, combined with a redrawn Operation Northwoods. That was a documented CIA plan to create a terrorist incident and blame it on Cuba to justify an invasion in the 60's."
I broke in to his rant. "Listen Mr. Home Run from the NorthWoods, that's crazy, I saw the pictures of the 19 hijackers, grainy I admit, but there were all sorts of stories about them, how much one guy loved donuts, their commercial flight school training, their stints at a military base in Pensacola. Granted, leaving a stalled Cessna on Miami International runway doesn't rate as skilled or indiscreet, but the FBI was busy as you say keeping naive teenagers safe from predators."
Harry used the Clint Eastwood setting, "The last night drinking in the Florida strip club, cursing America and threatening to destroy was because only the ringleaders knew they were going on a one way flight to the Paradise reserved for religious Muslim martyrs. The others thought they were only going to demand the release of the blind mullah, that's why they weren't praying and fasting instead of shopping at WalMarts for boxcutters."
Harry Pothead had a fit of coughing like Festus from Gunsmoke. I could almost smell the joint he was no doubt inhaling. "Computer guided jetliners are no crazier than expecting people to believe that the intact passport of one of the hijackers was found a block away from the towering infernos. These guys were bumblers before, suddenly they become experts at overwhelming stewardesses and pilots in minutes, shutting off transponders, hitting their targets perfectly.
Washington had an hour warning from the first crash but their air space remained unprotected until 11 am. Bush junior kept reading a children's story about a pet goat in Florida for a half hour after he got word of the first crash. It was a real page turner, I guess. Bush senior was actually in the White House at the time, Cheney was there too, yet no fighter jets were being scrambled from Andrews Air Force Base, only 8 miles from Washington, supposedly always on alert. No one got blamed for allowing restricted air space to be penetrated by a commercial jet because they did their job as planned. Allow terrorists to become scapegoats for the new, new world order. The suicide hijackers missed the highly visible Pentagon on their first flyby, discarded the White House or Congress as a secondary target and made a tight, spiraling 180 at 450 mph ramming directly into a just reinforced section of the Pentagon at telephone pole height. Amazing they didn't hit any turbulence or they might have lost their tail section like flight 587."
I didn't want to hear any conspiracy theories about that. Like the exploding fuel line of TWA flight 800, in spite of dozens of mistaken witnesses describing what looked like a missile hitting it, the official explanations made us feel less terrified of terrorists. They still didn't ease my fear of flying if mechanical malfunctions were that common, but it wasn't like I could afford to travel anyway.
Harry was ranting again in Ronald Raygun's voice. "Pardon me if it's hard to be with em, when they say its time to bring back torture. Why not bring back the Middle Ages and the Crusades. The American Catholic Bishops support the war, but they aren't dragging out their Torquemada Thumbscrews. Maybe it was the Jesuits. They still take orders from Rome. MASONIC MOON LANDINGS
If there are more Muslim sleeper terrorists in the homeland with suitcase nukes, we're gonna need the cooperation of the ragheads to find 'em. I've been thinking about dropping a dime on the Masons because of their fez hats and Islamic symbols.
There's a good chance they'll be tortured, held incommunicado, tried by a kangaroo court and deported to some Islamic country to be decapitated before the feds find out they were their own agents. Most people are less likely to inform on friends or family because of that. Like the Unabomber's brother these are the people most likely to know.
The Nukular Cowboys are itching to set off their big bombs again, but those missing suitcases are slowing them down. Americans are a little slow on the fallout issue but basically we're all neighbors when we start setting off nukes.
War is declared by the old but fought by the young, because pain sucks, watching people die is hell, and killing people will weigh on their souls forever."
I told him I smelled something burning and hung up on him. When Harry Pothead got religious I felt uncomfortable. I had lost my religion when I started public school. I didn't miss the nuns, but sometimes still daydream about those Catholic school girl skirts when I'm not worrying about my bills.
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