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January 2001

Mootown News
"Only in America"

By Judy Borello

By the time you read this column, it will be the year 2001, and I hope your Christmas season was happy and joyful.

The election is finally over and it was turning into quite a circus. Between people arguing over "dimpled" chads, "pregnant" chads, and whoever heard of a "chad" anyway? I remember there's Chad the country, and Chad and Jeremy, the singers. What constitutes a pregnant chad? Was it fertilized by Jeremy and Chad had a sex change to accept it? It seems to me since Chads are masculine in derivatives of names, the males have discovered a way to impregnate each other and they don't need the female touch!

And the media, who I believe caused this insanity, was at it everyday with spinners, grinners, and mistakes (what else is new?)

The best of the ridiculous:

1) People in Florida who were part of the election board in each county, holding the ballots up to the light to see if the ballots were dimpled or pregnant chads, and it was said by the media that one woman was caught putting ballots in her purse.

2) TV showed the Gore Team Liberals handing out cigarettes to the "down and outers" as bait for them to vote.

3) The Liberals were accusing the Conservatives of stopping the count in Miami-Dad County by protesters banging on the windows and intimidating the election board. As it turned out, those "bangers and clangers" who were really causing the raucous scene were the news media.

4) NBC news following the Ryder trucks that were transporting a half million ballots from Miami to Tallahassee. NBC had a helicopter overhead and about six vehicles following the trucks and aired it for hours on TV. Not as suspenseful as the OJ run and boring as hell! I was hoping for a big wind from a hurricane to blow the trucks off the road and cast those ballots all over the fields, with the news media and ultra liberals like Barbara Boxer, Lynn Woolsey, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton, and possibly Gore himself chasing after them.

Now all day NBC filmed this ridiculous run and, being of half-sound mind, I'd change the channel and notice even at night, with a light from their news helicopter, the media was still at it! What a colossal waste of time and money!

Shrub Jr., otherwise known as George W. Bush, making a speech from Texas, looked like he was going to be shot at dawn. Gore, who throughout the election and for at least a year, looked stiff and robot-like, all of a sudden, after his loss, became a party animal at his bash, put on by his famous friends.

Alfalfa Gore looked like he was really enjoying himself and probably showed more of his personal, jovial side when it was too late (The Party's Over).

6) In front of the Supreme Court of Florida and Supreme Court of America, there stood Gore's lead attorney in a multi-hundred dollar suit with a Rolex watch on, wearing tennis shoes. I guess he was not only fleet of mind, but also fleet of feet!

The Bush attorney at one point, I believe in front of the Florida Supreme Court, looked like they had dug up ole Chris Farley, perspiring, and fumbled around with his words and his train of thought.

7) The two sides were for months slamming each other, accusations were flying and you would have thought if Alfalfa and Shrub ever met in private, there would have been fisticuffs. Then, all of a sudden after the Supreme Court ruled and Gore conceded, they've been seen on TV smiling together, shaking hands, and being outright gracious with each other.

Only in America, folks, could this happen. It beats violence, tanks and assassinations!

P.S. A quote in the Point Reyes Light dated December 7, by Stupervisor Steve Kinsey, "The wealth of Marin is in its environment and open space." Well, Steve-O, who preserved it for many, many years so you could get kudos for saving it? The Ranchers held most of the open space in this county and I really believe that instead of putting more restrictions and regulations on them that puts them out of business, they should be honored like the Indians and given incentives that are meaningful for them to stay as our primary stewards of the land.

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